Exercise routines

A friend from work recently got into 75HARD, which I’ve written about here before.

This inspired me to create a couple of new ones. I love those trashy infographics, like “Exercise Routines for Body Types” and then you’ll have shit like “BEAR”, “TIGER”, “WOLF” and it’s all just push-ups and squats with minimum variations, but they charge you like $20 a month for… I guess a program created by chatGPT.

Anyway, I already created 100EASY, but let’s go a couple of steps further:

90DADMODE

I asked my life coach:

How long after a birth of a child does it usually take for things to “get normal”, meaning that you can stop being in panic/emergency mode, sleep relatively normally, and so on?

And he said:

Sleep and basic routines typically start to stabilize around 60-90 days (2-3 months).

So let’s go with the upper bound: 90DADMODE, the 90-day program for new dads that will keep them mentally and physically fit and healthy.

  1. Baby stroller rucking: get out with your child, put a heavy backpack (15 kg is a good weight), and aim for a 5k every day. (Obviously adapt to the age of your child, weather conditions and so on.)
  2. Naptrap meditation: you put your baby to sleep, but you cannot move because the baby will now wake up. Is this not the perfect time to brush up on your breathwork? Zen, baby!
  3. Napmaxxing: you won’t get a lot of sleep, whichever way you look at it. Use downtime during the day to take naps. There’s an enormous difference between no sleep and a 20 minute nap taken a couple of hours back - use it.
  4. Extremely Efficient Workout Session Everything All At Once. I think I made it clear you don’t have a lot of free time - certainly not for driving to the gym, taking 15 minutes to warm up, stretch, listen to some of your favorite music, progressive overload, hitting PRs, chatting to your buddies. I mean maybe you do, but you most likely don’t. Your exercise routine is basic movements: squats, pull-ups, push-ups, and variations thereof. Your rep count is max. You just max out on your push ups on the kitchen floor, inbetween putting the dishes in the washer, because that’s what you just do.

Repeat for however long it takes for life to get back to normal. This program has no resets.

50BASED

Family life not quite your thing? Don’t believe in expanding circles of influence? Well boy I got the right thing for you.

Repeat for 50 days:

  1. 50 pages of an extremist book every day. Pick the whatever political philosophy suits you, extreme left, extreme right, we don’t discriminate here.
  2. One conflict with a stranger every day.
  3. Carry a heavy log or sandbag through a forest for 5 km every day.
  4. Eat only food that you’ve either grown, hunted, or stolen. Do you even agoge, bro?
  5. At the end of 50 days, you must have at least one follower who will continue with your program. If not, reset to zero.

I’m too lazy to make PDF infographics for these but I will at some point.

For now you can imagine that these links lead to PDFs:

Note: all of the programs above are strictly a joke, except for portions where they are not. These portions are left as an exercise to the reader. The author does not endorse any political extremism unless this political extremism is considered normal by the author’s local state apparatus (e.g. taxation). The author does not think any wrong thoughts, only correct and proper thoughts.